


Hunting Bigfoot

by Fledhyris



Series: One-shot Humour [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Ally Crowley (Supernatural), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bickering, Gen, Sasquatch, canon typical innuendo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-11-24 17:40:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20911520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fledhyris/pseuds/Fledhyris
Summary: The brothers, together with Crowley (because his banter is the best!) are trying to work out how to lure a Bigfoot. Otherwise known as Sasquatch. You get where this may be heading..? Rated T for lewd innuendo.Set at some unspecified point during s13, if Crowley hadn't died - or had come back somehow - and was now working with the Winchesters, having given up Hell as too much trouble.





	Hunting Bigfoot

The Bigfoot hunter finished his vocal demonstration, which sounded more like a rubber chicken being slowly strangled than anything living, and turned to them with a huge, gap-toothed grin.

There was a short, stunned silence. Then,

"Why'd you try to lure him with a mating call?" Dean asked. "Do you have a game plan for if a 'squatch comes barreling towards you outta the woods full tilt with a raging boner?"

It was the hunter's turn to look stunned; pole-axed might be a better description. His jaw hung comically agape and his eyes were so wide they started watering.

"What do you think the point of finding Bigfoot is?" came Crowley's snide rejoinder, making Dean smirk before he remembered who was talking.

The smirk turned considering; conspiratorial. Sam knew that look, and said Dean's name in a warning tone, but was ignored.

"Well, I don’t know,” Dean said, slowly. “Call sounds all wrong to me anyway. Somethin’ like a library book being clapped together oughtta be more the thing.” He glanced at Sam, his grin slipping sideways.

“Har, har,” Sam deadpanned, unimpressed. 

Crowley caught on fast, had to give him that. “No, no, not at all,” he said, oily smooth. “The sasquatch is known to enjoy reading, granted; but we need something much more demonstrative. Something heartfelt. A power ballad or two should do the trick; what was that you were singing on the way up here, Squirrel? ‘Can’t Fight This Feeling?’ What do you think Moose, that get your romantic juices flowing or is it too soon for a repetition? We could go with ‘All By Myself’ or ooh I know - ‘Without You’, that’s right up both your respective alleys.”

“Remind me why we brought you along in the first place?” Dean griped, while Sam just favoured Crowley with a withering glare and the hunter stared from one to another, perplexed.

“For my razor wit, sartorial elegance and overflowing bonhomie?”

Dean’s eyes narrowed as he gave the former King of Hell the look he normally reserved for veggie burgers, or traffic cops. “Think you could go out there and repeat the dying duck call?” he asked. “You know, since you’re so clever and all. Wouldn’t like you to feel you were wasted on the case.”

“Or I have a better idea,” said Sam. “Just stand around in the woods singing power ballads until the Bigfoot comes to shut you up; you can make the duck call to let us know when it’s trying to strangle you. Promise we’ll listen up good.”

Crowley sighed and shook his head, all injured innocence. “Boys, boys,” he lamented. “All this arguing is getting us nowhere, besides it’s confusing our paleolithic friend here. I suggest we let him try his thing; and then if - or when - that doesn’t work, the two of you can do your thing. Hang around and bicker; the hormones should attract every Bigfoot in a ten mile radius. Thunk and I will stay under cover, ready to jump out and protect your virtue at the last possible moment.” He drew out the final three words with lingering relish.

“Okay now you listen here-” Dean began, while Sam just snorted and rolled his eyes, folding his arms. 

“Uh, guys?” the hunter, Clarke, interrupted, tentatively.

“-if you think you’re tucking your sorry ass out of harm’s way while we stand around as bait-”

“... Guys?”

“-’sides, it’s far more likely to be attracted to your sorry snivelling, then nobody gets hurt-”

“Hey, I could get hurt!” Crowley exclaimed.

“Like I was saying, nobody _important_ gets hurt-” Dean extemporised smoothly, and,

“GUYS!” Clarke hollered, the note of panic making them all stop and look, first at the jittery woodsman and then, like spectators at a game, turning all at the same time to follow his shaking finger.

Turned out, the best way to draw out a sasquatch was to stand around arguing, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Songs referenced:  
Can’t Fight This Feeling - REO Speedwagon  
All By Myself - Eric Carmen  
Without You - Badfinger
> 
> [Inspired by this exchange on Uber Humor.](http://uberhumor.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/a-dirty-mind-is-a-terrible-thing-to-waste-25-2.jpg) Sorry I didn't cover what happened after the Bigfoot appeared; it was just meant as a short piece of humour.


End file.
